Dirty Laundry - House Cleaning for Incest Survivors
All survivors of childhood abuse are likely to have made mistakes in the past.
Ahhhhh! The smell of dirty laundry. Well, maybe not ahhhhhh… maybe ewwwwww. But we all have dirty laundry now, don't we?
I often speak about morals and doing the right thing, and I talk about the difference between survival and living. Another way to put it is survival vs ethics. I want to express that it is a tough process after living only to survive to switch to living for the joy of living and switching from doing what it takes no matter what to getting in touch with the humanity inside of you, and I am speaking from personal experience. This can be at various levels right now I talk about personal character failures, messing up, and making mistakes. These can stem from:
- Poor judgment
- Self-destructive behavior
- Lack of morals
- Lack of self-esteem
- Misguided intentions
- Vindictive behavior
- Lashing out in anger
- Stupidity, I've done my share of stupid things sigh or just losing focus
Incest and abuse survivors will benefit from learning how to forgive themselves … and to stop their patterns.
Sometimes you can have deep remorse and feel ashamed of your past mistakes… and sometimes it can impact your sense of worth. It is very important to forgive one self, and to move on with the intention to do better next time. Just because, say for example, you did drugs doesn't mean that you are doomed to use drugs forever. You can choose a better way. Or if you did something to hurt yourself because you were so depressed, you don't have to continue with that behavior. You can choose to stop. If you were promiscuous before, you don't have to continue… you can stop!
Just because you messed up doesn't mean that you can't grow emotionally, and develop stronger character and stronger morals. Sometimes mistakes become very valuable incentive for change so that you don’t end up in the same old mess again.
If you have a history of poor judgement then you can turn to your counselor or others to help you learn what to look for in making a good decision vs making a bad decision.
Another aspect of this is the asking vs manipulating. See you can learn to ask for what you need or want rather than lieing or manipulating or bullying or scaring or begging or stealing. Ask for what you need and often times you will be surprised at getting a yes without scheming and manipulation. Sometimes yes isn't possible at all. Accept that. Sometimes yes isn't possible right then and there but can be later on. Accept that. Understand that sometimes abuse triggers feelings of entitlement and this is also unhealthy and can become a trap for many people. I have been around people with entitlement issues. Justifying thier actions by the fact that they feel entitled to it. Its scarey.
We have many choices ahead of us and developing stronger morals. Better decision making skills and ethics over situational ethics leads to a healthier life and can propel you forward out of surviving into living. I believe surviving is not the prize I believe living is the prize. I believe that we can be overly hard on ourselves at times and at times not enough pressure to do better.
So give yourself permission to learn from your past failures and past mistakes, and give yourself permission to grow and become a better person become more in tune with your humanity and living.
Like a Phoenix rising from the ashes, you will rise up again whole and renewed!